When I first started drafting this post, I envisioned writing something very different. Something happier, and more exciting, and full of life. I haven't written since mid-January because we've been keeping a big exciting secret! And now that it's common knowledge, I've debated putting something so intensely personal online for the world to find. I have to remember that my situation and my life is not for me but for Him, the one who gave me life and a purpose.

A week ago, B and I were flying home to surprise our families with both our presence...


 and some much-anticipated news - which went over really well (see below video).



And then after all the festivities, we had one more surprise that no one was expecting. A week ago, I miscarried.

What was and is horribly sad and unexpected would have been 1000X worse if we had been 800 miles away from my mom and not been surrounded by family. So we're thankful that in God's wisdom and timing we were home with family. There haven't been any huge medical complications and we're coping as well as we can under the circumstances. We're sad, and questioning our decisions, and taking one day at a time as we turn to each other for comfort.

But I want to rise ABOVE these circumstances. If you have gone through anything similar, I want to hear your stories. If you have any praise/worship songs that have gotten you through tough times, I want those recommendations. Most of all, I don't want miscarriage to be a horrible shameful secret.

Facts About Miscarriage

Did you know that 15%-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first trimester? That's 1 in 5 women that will go through this. If miscarriage is so common, why does no one talk about it? I have received so much support from my female family members that endured and overcame miscarriages but had never talked about them before. If you have experienced a miscarriage or a stillbirth (or God forbid both) PLEASE reach out to me. PLEASE talk about it. There is healing and comfort in community.

Do I Blame Myself for My Miscarriage?

I've been struggling with the "Why Me?" and "What are B and I supposed to be learning from this horrible and sad experience?" and I think this is it. I don't want to be alone going through this, and I don't want others to feel alone. I want to be a resource for other women who are looking for someone to talk to. It's so easy to shut others out and grieve privately, but that is not what Christ wants for us. We are designed to live in community.  B and I are striving to be intentional in relationships that are real and messy and seek to honor God, even when all we want to do is shut the world out and be sad with each other. If we lack joy, it is because we lack faith.

Verses & Music That Are Seeing Me Through

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." ~ James 1:2-3  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ~ Romans 8:18 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ~ Jeremiah 29:11 I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart. ~ Philemon 1:12 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ~ Matthew 5:4 As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. ~ Ecclesiastes 11:5

Please enjoy this playlist I've put together from recommendations from some amazing ladies that are members of The Sassy Club and River Market Community Church.

Thank you all so much for your love, support, and prayers. Leave your comments below if you would like prayer, have additions to my playlist, or you want to share your story.

1. Floral Hoop Wreath by These Lovely Acres
2. Personalized Photo Ring Dish by A Beautiful Mess
3. Heart Tree by Money Hip Mamas
4. Tassel Blanket by Paper & Stitch 
5. Lightbulb Terrarium by Clad & Cloth

If you've spent any time on my blog before, you'll know that I have a second blog. Yes, I'm crazy and decided I could keep up with two entirely different websites. I keep fun recipes and kitchen tips over on the Newlywed Pantry, the blog I write with my sister, to keep Morgan ma Belle more focused on what's going on in my life.


Over MLK weekend, I put together a cute shopping list you can print out and put on your fridge to make sure you never run out of those important kitchen staples. My mom used something just like this when I was growing up with six brothers and sisters to plan our meals for the week and organize the grocery shopping on a budget.

Head on over to the Newlywed Pantry to download the print-friendly PDF.

 We're officially moved into our new apartment! Yes, this is the one that we moved into over our second anniversary weekend with some help from some wonderful church family & friends. And no, we haven't been living out of boxes for a month. BUT we have just this three-day weekend added a coffee table to our collection of hodge-podge furniture and begun to hang artwork and photographs on the walls.

I also try to take a step back and look at the bookshelf as a whole.  I don't have all of my books upright, some I stack and stagger. And I don't only have books on the shelf but include framed photos and vases of flowers. It's important when styling things other than books that you keep it from looking too crowded with knick-knacks.  In a recent blog post on the Nester, she states that "Tidy People Don't Overdecorate." Since we're trying to keep this apartment as tidy and uncluttered as possible, it's necessary that even our storage areas - like the bookshelves - don't look get cluttered.

How do you style your shelves? Any tips that I missed? Let me know in the comments!

Goals, not resolutions. I've never been one to make resolutions, and this year will be no different. What I did do differently this year was create a vision board at a workshop led by Shannon Oleen for Underground Social KC that shows what I'd like to focus on this year. My word for this year, I've decided, is "intentionality."

So what do all of the pictures on my vision board represent? There's some travel inspiration shots, some motivation to speak up because I tend to chicken out in social settings where I don't know anyone, the wine glasses because I'd love to host friends more often, the books because I've always been a voracious reader but I haven't been very good recently at reading any new books, and the front door because we may be looking to purchase a house by the end of the year.

A few things didn't make it onto my vision board, like finally mastering Spanish and resolving (there it is, pretty close to "resolution") to keep our tiny apartment tidy at all times.

What are your 2018 goals?

Enjoy these free downloadable images for social media use!

Hands down my FAVORITE runway experience! It's amazing how the people that are behind the scenes of such an event can make a huge impact on the overall experience.

First, Yolanda Newson of Yoro Creations (Facebook) is an amazing jewelry designer & stylist. She exudes light and respect, wanted each of her models to feel comfortable and confident as we presented her visions, and was such a joy to be around during a moment that was both exciting and stressful for her. It was an honor to walk for her on the KCFW runway.

Secondly, the hair and makeup team from Bellus Academy Kansas did a great job taking Yoro's vision from paper to our faces. Shoutout to Mikayla Sagstetter (instagram) for working through the "in the sun, out of the sun, in the sun, out of the sun" we endured as she attempted to tone match foundation to my always pale face and making me look like a freakin' space queen on the runway.

And lastly, the models themselves. I have never before walked with such a talented, professional, and friendly group of models. Ciara Barton and Dieynaba Diop (Facebook) provided some friendly last-minute coaching that calmed everyone's nerves. Grey Erin Renee (Instagram) kept us entertained & on our toes. Heather Reimann Slusher (Facebook) came with an entire tote of artsy activities to keep herself and others from falling prey to boredom. All of us came in with different levels of experience and expectations of runways & backstage, and yet we spent more time talking to each other and hanging out than we did on our phones - which was SO refreshing!

(And I have to plug this here: Ciara Barton has started her own business coaching runway models and I am thrilled for her! I also plan to register for one of her upcoming clinics. If you are an aspiring model or just want to refresh your walk, here are the links you need.)

4. For the friend that always hosts: Burger Coasters

5. For you, because you forgot you had to buy a present: Lotto Tickets!

It's the beginning of December, which means IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS! December also happens to be a very busy month for B and I.

Our anniversary is on the 6th, we're moving on the 8th, we have two Christmas parties just this weekend to attend, a variety of church & work & volunteer events in the following weeks, and we're leaving for Texas on the 21st to spend the end of the month with our families in the Lone Star State. This will be our third Christmas together and we still haven't ever decorated for the holiday!

Not that I can really complain about having too much to do this month. We are blessed to have jobs we enjoy, friends we consider family, and the means to travel where and when we want to.


So to add something to my December to-do list I have decided to participate in Blogmas! And, true to form, I'm already 4 days behind.... Stay tuned for my first Blogmas post: White Elephant Party.

Rehearsals, successful.
Coordinating with designers, no problem.
Backstage day-of - I was so nervous!

Imagine walking into Union Station, around the pipe & drape and the check-in table, and then seeing this.


Hair and makeup didn't take long at all so I had hours to kill waiting for showtime. I had taken my laptop & charger expecting I'd be able to get some work done, but there wasn't any wi-fi so that was extremely frustrating. But there's an upside! I actually had to talk to other people - models, designers, hair stylists, mua, you name it.

Another fun upside - In the 5 hours we waited backstage before showtime we had a photoshoot. The two photos below are my favorite from the behind-the-scenes action.




All smiles at the end of the night as we took a pose on the red carpet!

The most obvious #1 tip is practice, practice, practice. But that isn't very good advice if you don't know what to practice.  So I'm going to move this tip the bottom of my list. The first thing I did was network.

NETWORK

If you don't already have photos, you'll have an empty portfolio. Which means you need to network with photographers first.

TFS Groups

So how to meet photographers in a world where photographers already have their clientele and their own networks? My answer: Facebook Groups. There is likely a TFS (Trade-For-Shoot) or TFP (Trade-For-Prints) group in your area that you can request to join. Use those TFS opportunities wisely; you're trading your likeness and time for some photos that the photographer most likely will retain rights to. These can be awesome collaborations as long as you are smart about it and do your research. Everyone is a stranger at this point, but perform background checks to the best of your abilities. I reached out to models via Facebook messages that had worked with any photographer I wanted to shoot with to ask about their experiences.

Once you've properly vetted, be a good collaboration partner. Show up early or at least on time. Plan ahead what type of shoot you're doing so you know what to wear, if you're responsible for your own hair and makeup or not, and how long you'll be able to shoot. Be respectful of each other's space and time.

When photographers agree to do a trade shoot, they are foregoing a paying project. Discuss reasonable turn-around time of edited photos, if they'll be a hard disc or available to download, and the stipulations for sharing on social media and in portfolios - crediting the photographer, not applying your own edits, not removing a watermark, etc. Keep in mind that your free TFS photos may not be the priority in a photographer's editing queue if they have a paying client that's waiting so be patient!

When we first moved to Kansas City, I joined a TFS Facebook group that led me to meet Steve Gibson of Steve Gibson Photography. We spent a spring Sunday afternoon shooting in downtown KCMO and captured some awesome urban shots for my portfolio and some double-exposure shots for his own.



Those photos led to more exposure & work with other local photographers, like Elizabeth Golden of eGolden Moments (check out our wedding style shoot and our sunflower shoot!), but not before my connection with Steve Gibson landed me a personal invitation to the meet and greet kick-off of Kansas City Fashion Council.

Events

1. A blog just because called Lipstick Stain Culture because "blogging is the thing to do." I was excited to design a website and write some posts but I didn't have a true direction or purpose. A lot of those original posts have since been archived.
2. A portfolio of sorts called Morgan ma Belle. I started to pursue modeling more seriously when we moved from Texas and needed a place to share photos from shoots, credit photographers, and talk about my experiences.